Starting Over
As I write this, the clock is just about to strike midnight, closing the last day of my 34th year here on earth. How does time pass by so very slowly yet strikingly fast all at once? I have to say, this past year has been like the biggest “renovation” I’ve ever lived through. Like sandpaper to a painted surface, my final year of the “early thirties” era has revealed my true self. Layers of paint covered up the beauty of that untreated, raw wood. It truly has been like starting over.
In March of 2020, I had an unusually uncomfortable decision to make. Let’s just say, the “grind” of being a working mom came to a screeching halt. I equate that to the furniture piece being dunked in lacquer thinner. Like there was so much work to be done, that not all the sandpaper in the world could even touch me. I believe wholeheartedly that the Lord used this forced unemployment to show me what He had for me… at home. I was in fact, starting over.
In December of 2020, talk came up of me returning to my career. I had what I later realized was an anxiety episode for probably the first time in 10 years. I couldn’t bear to leave my kiddos again. If I went back to work, I’d know what I was missing out on now. I’d grieve for the time I was missing them. I would feel pulled in those two very different directions. I’d be walking backwards away from my goal of homesteading instead of towards it. And then a policy change happened at the hospital. And my husband and I knew that was Gods way of making it clear. I wasn’t going back. Not now and not for a really long time. This was our opportunity to escape the “norm” and just do what God called us to do. So January of 2021, I again, started over. I was newly “retired” and it felt good. I was nestled into my new role of homeschool mom quite well; and I was content to stay where we were.
At 35 weeks pregnant with baby number four, I was anything but bored in my newfound “retirement.” However, I admit it was a big adjustment to lose income, not interact with adults, and to suddenly feel the weight of being a “full-time” stay at home mom. I went through every emotion you can think of in that first week. So much revelation, tremendous amounts of guilt, and hundreds of little moments with my babies that I didn’t recall ever having before.
After the (home) birth of my sweet son, we knew our family was complete. We prayed intensely and decided that four babies on this earth was a huge blessing and we were content. But then for about a week, I mourned. The emotions of knowing he was our last everything made it hard to stay present in the moment. I wanted to almost work through the could have should have would haves that piled up on my heart, but instead.. I started over.
I chose to start from scratch in the season God had placed me. A second chance to be home with a baby for the foreseeable future and not have to return to work. No pumping Breastmilk, no washing bottles, no FaceTiming the nanny on my lunch break. No notes of what they ate or milestones they hit. I could be there for all of it this time. And dog gone it, I was going to embrace it.
HA!! Sometimes I think God is watching, waiting for us to think we have it all figured out, only to swoop in and save us from ourselves right in time.
Long story short because I know you guys want to know what happened next… a FARM literally found us.
10 Glorious Acres
life hurts, nature heals
We weren’t looking. We had given up on that dream after half a dozen offers and contracts fell through and we said we would just stay “country people in an HOA”
Then it happened. All of a sudden things were falling into place. My husband and I were on the same page about it all, and it just felt God-breathed. The kids were thrilled, and we started planning everything on our upcoming Homestead . Our garden, our yard, our home, would all have to be done again. But it was alright because by now, we’d gotten used to starting over.
Our plans to live in the existing house on the property didn’t work out. But God provided us a tiny home to renovate. He always provides, even in those refining moments. The closing on the land took way longer than expected, and in the heart of the hustle bustle of packing the old house, renovating our new space, and raising four children, we were finding our groove and feeling steady in the organized chaos.
And then it happened… A man crashed into our van going about 75 mph. I still relive it sometimes. The ambulances, the tow yard, the sweet faces of our kids. Thankful we are mostly unscathed and the gracious love of the Lord spared our lives. But here we were again, starting over with no vehicle, no physical ability to pack, yet faced with the need to clean and renovate… we were starting over.
3 months later and our homestead has become a living, breathing, mooing, bleating, crowing, meowing, growing reality. It took being stripped down to the bare surface and the Lord had a lot of “undoing” in me to do. But these “starting over” seasons have been a tool. He has never forsaken the plans He had for our family, even when we did. He is reckless in His pursuit of the calling on our lives and I will forever be grateful for His “tough love.”
“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are becoming new.”
2 Corinthians 5:17 KJV